The Pause For Thought

1)Some may know others may not that it is 100 years this year when Einstein came up with the equation we all know so well as E=mc2. To the uninitiated it simply means Energy equals mass multiplied by the speed of light squared (or more commonly known as the theory of relativity). Now many people used this theory to create the atom bomb, which Einstein hated, obviously. Now I realise after discovering a rare letter to weight watchers written by none other than Albert himself it really means something completely different! In this letter he expands on the theory for its true use. Energy equals mass multiplied by the speed of corpulence squared. NOT LIGHT!!!

Therefore I used this new shred of information to equate if we get energy from mass we should harness as many fat people as we can for they are made out of that rare particle the fatom. Now if the scientists who work on the atom bomb could make the amount of energy they did from 0.000000000000000000000006 grams of an atom imagine the energy from a human being!!! Especially an overweight one!!!

I am considering making myself the fattest human on this planet (and any other planet). I will become the most powerful commodity on this green Earth. Governments will fight to harness the amount of energy my globular frame will have inside it. Then I will rule the world!!!

2) Pete Doherty came round my flat this week. He usually pops round when he’s not doing anything of importance like Kate Moss. As we sat down to tea and biscuits I decided to press him on the issue of drugs. I said, “Pete, I respect you as a musician and a person but this new album is showing a decline. The trappings of celebrity surround you and you cannot escape it. This has lead you into drugs and any fool knows that this will only end up with a tragic and unpoetic ending. Now I know you embrace your poet of the people and troubadour status such quality rags as the NME and The Sun have put upon you but you are better than that. I implore you to avoid drugs and just help yourself and your family and friends. Ignore the sycophants who surround you and listen to real people like me!!”

Pete carried on eating the sponge off the bottom of the Jaffa Cake I had, previous to my soliloquy offered to his meagre frame and then he put the orange part in his mouth and let it dissolve slowly. I could see my words had taken an effect on the poor boy. He sighed and then said these words to me, “Have you got any crack?”