The Kettering

Scene: My local pub’s toilets at the urinals. Myself and a friend are trying to piss talking:
JW: I can’t do it.
Simon: It’s easy.
JW: For you maybe but for me –
Simon: How about if we do it in silence?
JW: Ok.
We stand there. Simon begins whistling.
JW: Will you stop that. No, that’s it. I need to go in private. I can’t do it.
Simon: I can’t go now.
JW: See. See! That’s pressure. Because of the silence it put too much pressure on us. I can’t do it in silence. It’s as if someone might be listening for it.
A man walks in and uses the urinal in between the both of us. He is quick. He washes his hands and leaves.
JW: Look at mister confidence there. In and out. That’s what I wish I was like.
Simon: At last. I was getting worried there.
JW: Do you think that guy who just came in is laughing at us now? Knowing that we couldn’t do it.
Simon: What’s with the we? I can wee. Just finished now.
Simon zips up and goes to wash his hands.
JW: I’m just going to have to hold it in. I can do that.
JW zips up.
JW: Do I still need to wash my hands?
Simon shrugs.