The Crocodile

My local pub The Bleeding Heart is a typical pub. A mixture of students; under age kids and O.A.P.s. One evening just like any other a local thug called Dave Sams walked into the pub with a crocodile on a lead. You can imagine the reactions: people screaming in shock and awe and the landlord Gerry telling Dave to take the creature back to where he found it. Dave just laughed and told everyone not to worry. The crocodile was apparently tame and would not hurt anyone or anything. To prove his point the already drunk Dave smashed a bottle over the beast’s head. This intrigued everyone in the pub and we all gathered round to stroke the croc as if it were a friendly dog.

As the evening wore on the novelty of the crocodile continued to grow. We were all getting progressively more drunk and sitting on the crocodile and then my friend Pete asked if he could put his head in the crocodile’s mouth. We all laughed thinking he was joking but when the croc opened its mouth Pete stuck his head in! One man came up called Stinky Doug and popped his penis out; stuck it in the poor animal’s mouth; then hit the animal on the head with a bottle. The crocodile seemed to take this with reptilian good humour. More men went and copied this trick to show that it was not only Stinky Doug who was brave. Soon an old lady who had been sitting in the corner all evening walked up and asked if she could have a go. Dave said of course.

“Thanks,” she said, “just don’t hit me too hard with the bottle”.